Boxing ducks

At work, we thought we were going to be able to work additional hours from May 26th to the last day in June. That would have been fantastic for paying off bills (and we were able to work extra last summer). Well, that was before the governor decided to make cuts to community colleges...including big cuts to catagorical funding (us). So now we have to be careful of our spending and no extra hours. Anxiety.

Will they have to make cuts? Who knows, we are hardly told anything about anything. Anxiety. At least I have some seniority here so I would not be the first or second to go. I have applications in at two more colleges with Yuba Community College District. That would mean moving, renting out our house, transitioning everyone, working full time, having my income become even more important than it is now...ANXIETY.

So, knowing that I have "generalized anxiety disorder" and not wanting to do the med thing again (because the side effects are not worth it and I didn't see much of a difference being on a low dose and I don't want to even think of a high dose) I need to find ways to reduce my stress responses and obsessive thinking about the "what if"s. I really am trying to not verbally express my anxiety quite so much because I think it actually makes it worse. My challenge is how to stop the physiological responses. When I get stressed or anxious, I can feel my body changing...almost like I can feel the hormones and chemicals spread throughout my body. When I do feel it, I try my self-talk to calm myself down. That seems to help some and will probably increase in effectiveness as I practice doing it. My next step will be to remain calm enough throughout the day that, if a stressful or anxious situation arises, my body will not flood itself.

I truly believe the key to this is EXERCISE and eating healthy foods. Taking "me" time and going for a walk or bike ride in the evening is something I am trying to work out in my head. I don't feel guilty not taking the kids (because most of my day is for them) but I do feel guilty not taking the dogs. But, I know that I need to take the time for me and not have them with me. I think that once I work up to a faster pace or have my routine firmly cemented, I will be able to incorportate the dogs into my walks or outside time without it taking away from my "me" time.

So this is a plan I am developing because it is far too easy for anxiety to take over every facet of my life if I am not aware. I need to learn to be a duck (water off the back) and a boxer (roll with the punches).

I will be a boxing duck.

Happy Mother's Day!

Make a Smilebox greeting

Darn

So I heard back from the final two job applications I had submitted. It is a "no" from both. But, this time, it took a month and a half for me to get the answer...that is much better than last time. I am disappointed but not too upset. Maybe it isn't the right time. We are finally starting to enjoy our house and are planning on starting our master bathroom remodel this summer followed by an upgrade in the hall bathroom. Matt and I both have good jobs and are almost done paying off all our credit card debt (we set a goal to have it all paid by the last day of this year and we are more than half way through already). We are eligible to have our home loan restructured to lower the payment (let's just hope they decide to drop the PMI too...fingers crossed) so our home will be more affordable. I am hard at work reforming my unhealthy self and if I had to transition to full-time work, moving, and helping the kids through the transition, I know that it would be hard for me to be able to make my health a priority. Like I said, it's okay. The time will come and maybe this isn't it. Once Matt is out of school for summer, we will make more trips to visit my side of the family.

On a more positive note, I am doing really well with my birthday present to myself. I figured that, since I will be turning 30 this year, I should get my ass in shape so I can enjoy the years ahead. I am counting my calories, making healthy food choices, and being active. Instead of sitting on the uncomfortable metal bleachers during Jared's baseball game yesterday, I walked around the field and was still able to watch the game. I also walked to the school for the game and I walked home while Matt drove with the kids (about 2+ miles total). This afternoon Matt told me how happy he was to see my energy levels increasing. This past Sunday, we took the kids over to the school and hit baseballs...I am still sore but it was so much fun and I surprised both of us by how well I hit the balls. It is such a relief to see that my body can still respond so well after all the neglect...almost like it was just waiting for me to get my head straight and start using it again.

So, that's that for now. :)

An Easter Reflection

I thought I would use my last half hour of work to write some thoughts I have having. (Since it is Spring Break it is really dead here).

So, this morning, while talking with a coworker, I realized why I am not super excited every time a holiday comes around. Because I feel like an outsider here in Fresno. My husband's family has always been nice to me and the kids enjoy the times when we get together but I still feel very lonely. No one really knows me here except my husband. So, I go to family gatherings and chat and smile and eat and watch the kids play. But, sometimes I would rather stay at home with my dogs and cats. Why? Because they are closer to being my family than my in-laws are my family. I am 100% comfortable with my animals and I have been with them longer than anyone here in Fresno.

Again, this is not a reflection of my in-laws. In general, they are loving, welcoming, genuinely great people.

This is more about me being away from my family for almost 7 years. It is about me having a little family of my own (no matter how mixed we are) and not having my little family around my big family to enjoy one another. I give to my husband and kids and they give back to me. But when it comes down to it, they are the only one's here that know when I turn thirty or something important is happening in my life. There are talks of things happening in the lives of the people in my Fresno family but I am never the subject of that talk. I was stopping by my mother-in-law's house awhile ago to feed her animals while she was on vacation. She had a calendar posted on her kitchen wall and I noticed a bunch of birthdays written on the days. I flipped though the pages (because I was kind of amazed at how organized she was) and I noticed that everyone that I could think of in the family was on there except me. This was after Matt and I had been married. Now, I am not saying that my mother-in-law was intentionally trying to snub me but that the calendar is a perfect analogy of how I feel. It is kind of like being on the outside of a circle. BUT, I do need to mention that Matt's grandmother sent me a card for my birthday last year. :) The only thing I think my Fresno family knows about me is what I do for the kids. I think they respect me for that but maybe I just don't know how to fall into the puzzle and fit like everyone else.

The other part is that, I feel like our family time (meaning my birth family in Sac) is slowly going away. Not that I was the hinge that held everything together...that isn't the case. More that my aunt and uncle are exploring new things on their boat and my sister and brother-in-law enjoy doing their things and it seems like my mom and dad and grandma are doing things together. I remember how it used to be when we were younger. It is natural for all of us to grow up and want independence and do our own thing. Maybe it is because I have Courtney and Jared now and I see how much fun my parents have with them and how much they enjoy my parents and I want back what used to be there when I was younger. I want the kids to experience what I did when I was their age. Be able to go to grandma's and play with clay or go fishing and nature walking with my parents. I want to be able to jump in the car and go hang out with my family for the day without planning a massive trip. Or tell the kids that grandma and grandpa are stopping by for dinner.

I don't know if these realizations will help me or make it more challenging. I don't know if there will be any employment opportunities for myself or Matt that would make it possible for us to leave. If there were, would we be too scared to try or would we take a leap of faith and create a wonderful life for our family outside of Fresno. Lots of questions, lots of unknowns. Either way, my happiness is with my family and maybe that is why I feel so fractured sometimes...because my family is split in two. I have hope for the future in whatever direction we head.

Happy Easter to everyone near and far.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

We will be having corned beef and cabbage tonight...although that is not a dish they usually eat in Ireland on St. Patty's Day. But I love it and I will make everyone else love it too!!!! HAHAHAHA!

Watch Out Drivers...

Krazy Keri is on the road!

I passed my motorcycle basic skills class this last weekend. Not only am I awesome but one of the guys (men) in the class said he would rather be behind me than some of the guys. HAHA. That is a huge compliment since the man is a pretty old fashioned gender-role type of guy...but he was nice. :)

It was tons of fun but pretty exhausting having to drive so far. It really made for a long weekend. When I got home from the last day, Matt and I rode over to the elementary school so I could show him how well I did. He rode my Burgman 400 motorcycle (with automatic transmission) and I rode his V-star 1300. Holy Cow!! His bike has POWER!!! When I kicked it into 3rd gear, I had tears streaming from the corners of my eyes to my ears (3/4 helmet). That thing is like riding a bull with the speed of a cheetah! Needless to say, his bike is a little too much for me but it sure was fun for the 3 miles that we rode. I road my bike to work this morning and loved it!! It can't quite kick it in the ass like matt's but it certainly can hold it's own.

Yesterday was Courtney's birthday and I am SO GLAD IT IS OVER! Matt did the dishes for me (thank God) and Courtney will be putting away dishes this afternoon. Her cake took me a long time but it is probably the best I have done so far (pictures will be posted later) and the girls were LOUD and SQUEALY!! How old are they when we can stop doing "birthday parties"? I was completely BEAT! I told Matt that I would rather have worked a full-time job yesterday than put the party together. I made each girl 2 barrets with satin ribbons and a flower with a rhinestone center. I will have to take a picture of the one I made Courtney.

We got Courtney a basket for her bike so she rode to school today for the first time. Really, the only person that didn't ride their bike today was Matt. haha.

Anyway, I am back at work and brain dead to say the least. Jared has practice tonight, Matt has class, and I have to get some yard clippings in the green waste for pick up in the morning. Plus dinner...kids reading...cleaning up...showers...homework...sleep...not in that order.

I just want some rest.

Motorcycle Training

"I got the last spot for this weekend in Atwater. I'm scared. Eeek!"

This was the message I sent my husband a few minutes ago. My permit expires on 3/24/09 and I need to take the Basic Motorcycle Skills class so I can get my license. Luckily, they had one more spot open for the classes in Atwater this weekend. Fresno is still ho-bunk enough that they don't have the classes IN Fresno. Stupid.

I was looking at the classes in Sacramento but I am teaching right now and it is hard for me to get out of here during the week (the classes are on Thurs/Sat/Sun or Fri/Sat/Sun). Plus, I would have to go by myself since Matt has class on Saturdays.

So, Atwater it is! I still have to drive about 2.5 hours round trip on Saturday and Sunday but Friday is the classroom portion and it is in Fresno. I get to spend at least part of the weekend with my husband and then have to get everything ready for Courtney's birthday party on Monday (at least I have that day off from work). Silly me, I thought I was going to get some sleep over the weekend. That doesn't look like it will be happening.

Matt said he doesn't want me driving to Atwater alone at night (in case the classroom portion was not in Fresno). That's when you know your husband loves you. I don't know how I survived after sundown before I met him. HAHA!

Wish me luck! Hope I don't poop my pants. :)