Kick the Governor OUT!

This is HORRIBLE. What is he thinking with his "proposed" cuts? Funny how the top doesn't get cut but he wants to cut EVERYTHING from the bottom. CalWORKs gone, Healthy Families gone, Cal Grants gone, etc.... The ramifications are monumental. Increases in homelessness, uneducated children and families, sick children, domestic violence, illegal activities, etc. We are only as strong as the weakest member and he is suggesting cutting resources to these people all together. HUGE MISTAKE. It should say something that, when people are losing their jobs, CPS is actually getting overtime because their caseloads are increasing. Hmmm...something to think about.

I pray that this does not happen. If it does, I worry for my students. If it does, I worry for my family because I will be out of a job.

Stressing is not going to help anything but I would be lying if I wasn't scared for my family and the families out there that are already at the bottom, working hard to climb up.

I really hope that California has a clue because our governor does not. God help us all because, even if you make $1 million a year, we will all feel the results.

This is not the way to help Californians.

My New Chalkboard

Yeah! I love it.
I can make it look however I want and now I won't hear "what's for dinner?" a million times each afternoon! I just hung it up so we will see how it works later today when people start coming home.

Politics

Things were fine yesterday. Today is totally different. I have been thrown into the epicenter of college politics because I try to do my job and serve our students and other people like power and don't seem to care about students. Thankfully, it looks like I am getting the support of my director (my coworkers and instructors are backing me too). We will see if my dean supports me too.... A meeting is in the works to discuss the problems we face with the divison through which our program come. Maybe it won't be as big of a deal as it feels right now. There are a lot of things in my favor so I am going to try not to focus on it and keep doing my job.

Trying to stay positive. I am not good at politics, maybe I should play the lottery (and win!) and become a hermit on a farm with my family.

Jail

**NOTE**
This was written yesterday (5/21/09) but was not able to post due to internet problems.

Matt and I visited his step-sister in jail last night. She is leaving this morning for a treatment center in LA. I haven't mentioned her a whole lot because I try to keep other people's business as private as possible. Anyway, Carrie (my sister-in-law) has been battling with meth since before I have known her. I didn't know about it until we were having challenges with Matt's oldest daughter. Her husband tried to move her away from Fresno in one of his attempts to keep her away from the drugs and people. That didn't work and she decided to divorce him and move back to Fresno last year. It was a down hill slide from there. What landed her in jail was theft. Okay, enough said about that.

So Matt's step-mom called him last Wednesday to give him an update on Carrie...that she was waiting for a spot to open up at a treatment facility and, for the first time, she gave us contact info for Carrie in case we wanted to write to her. Thursday I wrote her a letter and mailed it on Friday. In the letter, I told her that if she wanted to see us (me and Matt), to put us on her visitors list and we would be there. She got the letter on Monday and called her mom to have her call us to let us know that we were on the list. Matt talked to his step-mom Tuesday (she did call me on Monday and I forgot to call her back before she called Matt), we found out Carrie was leaving Thursday so we visited her last night.

Jail is not a friendly place to be and I understand why it isn't supposed to be but EWWW! I don't know what Sacramento's visiting area looks like but, based on my knowledge of the other areas of the facility, it is probably a million times better than Fresno's. The ceilings are super low, it was hot, and I cleaned my ear and face and hands when we got home. I am okay with the "institutional" look but it really didn't look sanitary...at least on our side.

It was really good to see her...and emotional. Carrie and I have always gotten along well and I think I have always felt a little sadness for her based on the limited amount of info I have regarding her childhood and Matt's dad being her step-dad. She is a good person that has tried to cope with some bad things and chose the wrong way to do it. On top of that, she is diagnosed Bipolar. If you are at all familiar with this disorder, it is EXTREMELY challenging to manage, find a medication/treatment that works without unpleasant side effects, and not always easy to get the person to stay on their medication regiment. So, Carrie has been on a certain medication for 4 years but when she divorced, she lost her medical coverage so she was getting a prescription over the internet from Canada. Admittedly not the best route to take but, given her lack of options with the health care in the country and her need for the medication, I can understand. Well, because the medication is so expensive and it is not on the approved "list" in the jail and she has no medical coverage outside the jail, she has been off her medication for a month. I was beyond pissed and saddened when she told me this. Really, if you want to maintain order in the jail, all the inmates should be as mentally healthy as possible. I do understand costs and budgets but this is just one of the areas that need reform. How many people incarcerated have medical coverage and have the money to pay the higher copay for an expensive medication? Not many. On a side note, there is a ton of money to make in pharmaceutical sales...I wonder why. Stupid!

On to other irritants… Carrie has been in jail for a month and two days and we were her third visit. What? I know what it feels like to be completely betrayed and I can only imagine what that would feel like coming from a very close relative but does that mean that you shut them out completely once they end up in a place like jail, prison, detention of any kind? Wouldn't you want them to turn their life around and be healthy? Wouldn't you want them to know that you are hurt and untrusting and cannot support the life they have chosen but that, if they choose to get healthy, you will be there to support them and give them the opportunity to rebuild that trust and mend the hurt? I would. If I had known that Carrie had been in jail that long and I know that I was allowed to visit, I would have done it earlier and frequently. Sure my stomach hurt walking into the little visiting check-in area, and I was a little more than uncomfortable with the level of germs and environment. But, how does Carrie feel? My hour of discomfort is a price I am willing to pay if it helps her at all. Yes, I know it was effectively her "choice" to be there but none of us always make good choices all of the time.

Matt asked my why I am willing to give Carrie the benefit of the doubt and not Brittany. My response was that I DID give Brittany the benefit of the doubt. I visited her in detention, I had personal conversations with her supporting her, and I opened my heart to her. What I got in return was some fake words, projection of fault, scapegoating (not just by her), lies and a lot of pain. So I withdrew myself as protection. Now I am a cautious supporter, evaluating signs and sharing my concerns or helpful information with Matt (and Brittany if she acknowledges me). I told Matt that Brittany has apologized to everyone except me. I was incredibly hurt by everyone when I tried to help so can you blame me if I don't want to help as much as before? I tried to give all of myself and still maintain safe boundaries for the sake of the kids and our family and all I got in return was evilness and a load of projection (as if I was the one that created the problem...by stupid stupid stupid people that chose not to look at their mistakes to try better next time!) The only person in the situation that actually knows me and cares about me is Matt and he is the ONLY person in my immediate family-in-law that I trust. ANYWAY, so I will do the same for Carrie. I will always be there to support her health. If she burns me, I will withdraw. BUT, I will always let her know that, if she chooses healthy living, I will always be there to support her.

So, Matt's dad hasn't had any contact with Carrie at all. Matt helped me to understand how his dad might be feeling and I can understand the range of emotions he is probably experiencing. I guess what I don't understand is how you can completely shut someone out like that. I've seen him do it before and I've seen Matt do it too so I can see that they CAN do it but how do they do it? I can't imagine that it works well. I guess my whole thought is that Matt's dad is the last person that should cast judgment on someone else so I find it hard to not be upset by his behavior toward Carrie. I also know a little about her childhood to make me unhappy with the situation. Matt and I talked about it and he did calm me down some because his dad has endured a lot since Carrie has been back in Fresno. I empathize with that. Still, I know it is exhausting trying to support someone as they are making bad choices...but, I also know how necessary it is to do so that, one day, they decide to make the right choices because they know they will not be alone in the struggle. Let them know how you feel, make your boundaries clear, but never leave them completely. You don't want to let them pull you down and there is a way to let them know that you are there without putting too much of yourself out there. I understand we want to protect ourselves but can we really feel good by turning our back on someone in a time of need? I don't work like that. I want my sister-in-law back. I want her to be happy. I want to get to know her. I want her to feel a sense on pride and self-worth. I want her mom to not worry about her. After last night, I think she wants all those things too, and more. Treatment is going to be really tough but at least she will have one more person supporting her along the way. I hope that the pull of the drugs are less than the desires to be proud of herself and make everyone proud of her too.

In closing, wouldn't we all want to know that people are there to support us not matter how stupid we get? I know I would. Maybe I am slightly delusional when it comes to people but I truly believe that the good in people will eventually win IF they try...unless they have not good in them at all (which is totally possible in some cases).

Boxing ducks

At work, we thought we were going to be able to work additional hours from May 26th to the last day in June. That would have been fantastic for paying off bills (and we were able to work extra last summer). Well, that was before the governor decided to make cuts to community colleges...including big cuts to catagorical funding (us). So now we have to be careful of our spending and no extra hours. Anxiety.

Will they have to make cuts? Who knows, we are hardly told anything about anything. Anxiety. At least I have some seniority here so I would not be the first or second to go. I have applications in at two more colleges with Yuba Community College District. That would mean moving, renting out our house, transitioning everyone, working full time, having my income become even more important than it is now...ANXIETY.

So, knowing that I have "generalized anxiety disorder" and not wanting to do the med thing again (because the side effects are not worth it and I didn't see much of a difference being on a low dose and I don't want to even think of a high dose) I need to find ways to reduce my stress responses and obsessive thinking about the "what if"s. I really am trying to not verbally express my anxiety quite so much because I think it actually makes it worse. My challenge is how to stop the physiological responses. When I get stressed or anxious, I can feel my body changing...almost like I can feel the hormones and chemicals spread throughout my body. When I do feel it, I try my self-talk to calm myself down. That seems to help some and will probably increase in effectiveness as I practice doing it. My next step will be to remain calm enough throughout the day that, if a stressful or anxious situation arises, my body will not flood itself.

I truly believe the key to this is EXERCISE and eating healthy foods. Taking "me" time and going for a walk or bike ride in the evening is something I am trying to work out in my head. I don't feel guilty not taking the kids (because most of my day is for them) but I do feel guilty not taking the dogs. But, I know that I need to take the time for me and not have them with me. I think that once I work up to a faster pace or have my routine firmly cemented, I will be able to incorportate the dogs into my walks or outside time without it taking away from my "me" time.

So this is a plan I am developing because it is far too easy for anxiety to take over every facet of my life if I am not aware. I need to learn to be a duck (water off the back) and a boxer (roll with the punches).

I will be a boxing duck.

Happy Mother's Day!

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