Jail

**NOTE**
This was written yesterday (5/21/09) but was not able to post due to internet problems.

Matt and I visited his step-sister in jail last night. She is leaving this morning for a treatment center in LA. I haven't mentioned her a whole lot because I try to keep other people's business as private as possible. Anyway, Carrie (my sister-in-law) has been battling with meth since before I have known her. I didn't know about it until we were having challenges with Matt's oldest daughter. Her husband tried to move her away from Fresno in one of his attempts to keep her away from the drugs and people. That didn't work and she decided to divorce him and move back to Fresno last year. It was a down hill slide from there. What landed her in jail was theft. Okay, enough said about that.

So Matt's step-mom called him last Wednesday to give him an update on Carrie...that she was waiting for a spot to open up at a treatment facility and, for the first time, she gave us contact info for Carrie in case we wanted to write to her. Thursday I wrote her a letter and mailed it on Friday. In the letter, I told her that if she wanted to see us (me and Matt), to put us on her visitors list and we would be there. She got the letter on Monday and called her mom to have her call us to let us know that we were on the list. Matt talked to his step-mom Tuesday (she did call me on Monday and I forgot to call her back before she called Matt), we found out Carrie was leaving Thursday so we visited her last night.

Jail is not a friendly place to be and I understand why it isn't supposed to be but EWWW! I don't know what Sacramento's visiting area looks like but, based on my knowledge of the other areas of the facility, it is probably a million times better than Fresno's. The ceilings are super low, it was hot, and I cleaned my ear and face and hands when we got home. I am okay with the "institutional" look but it really didn't look sanitary...at least on our side.

It was really good to see her...and emotional. Carrie and I have always gotten along well and I think I have always felt a little sadness for her based on the limited amount of info I have regarding her childhood and Matt's dad being her step-dad. She is a good person that has tried to cope with some bad things and chose the wrong way to do it. On top of that, she is diagnosed Bipolar. If you are at all familiar with this disorder, it is EXTREMELY challenging to manage, find a medication/treatment that works without unpleasant side effects, and not always easy to get the person to stay on their medication regiment. So, Carrie has been on a certain medication for 4 years but when she divorced, she lost her medical coverage so she was getting a prescription over the internet from Canada. Admittedly not the best route to take but, given her lack of options with the health care in the country and her need for the medication, I can understand. Well, because the medication is so expensive and it is not on the approved "list" in the jail and she has no medical coverage outside the jail, she has been off her medication for a month. I was beyond pissed and saddened when she told me this. Really, if you want to maintain order in the jail, all the inmates should be as mentally healthy as possible. I do understand costs and budgets but this is just one of the areas that need reform. How many people incarcerated have medical coverage and have the money to pay the higher copay for an expensive medication? Not many. On a side note, there is a ton of money to make in pharmaceutical sales...I wonder why. Stupid!

On to other irritants… Carrie has been in jail for a month and two days and we were her third visit. What? I know what it feels like to be completely betrayed and I can only imagine what that would feel like coming from a very close relative but does that mean that you shut them out completely once they end up in a place like jail, prison, detention of any kind? Wouldn't you want them to turn their life around and be healthy? Wouldn't you want them to know that you are hurt and untrusting and cannot support the life they have chosen but that, if they choose to get healthy, you will be there to support them and give them the opportunity to rebuild that trust and mend the hurt? I would. If I had known that Carrie had been in jail that long and I know that I was allowed to visit, I would have done it earlier and frequently. Sure my stomach hurt walking into the little visiting check-in area, and I was a little more than uncomfortable with the level of germs and environment. But, how does Carrie feel? My hour of discomfort is a price I am willing to pay if it helps her at all. Yes, I know it was effectively her "choice" to be there but none of us always make good choices all of the time.

Matt asked my why I am willing to give Carrie the benefit of the doubt and not Brittany. My response was that I DID give Brittany the benefit of the doubt. I visited her in detention, I had personal conversations with her supporting her, and I opened my heart to her. What I got in return was some fake words, projection of fault, scapegoating (not just by her), lies and a lot of pain. So I withdrew myself as protection. Now I am a cautious supporter, evaluating signs and sharing my concerns or helpful information with Matt (and Brittany if she acknowledges me). I told Matt that Brittany has apologized to everyone except me. I was incredibly hurt by everyone when I tried to help so can you blame me if I don't want to help as much as before? I tried to give all of myself and still maintain safe boundaries for the sake of the kids and our family and all I got in return was evilness and a load of projection (as if I was the one that created the problem...by stupid stupid stupid people that chose not to look at their mistakes to try better next time!) The only person in the situation that actually knows me and cares about me is Matt and he is the ONLY person in my immediate family-in-law that I trust. ANYWAY, so I will do the same for Carrie. I will always be there to support her health. If she burns me, I will withdraw. BUT, I will always let her know that, if she chooses healthy living, I will always be there to support her.

So, Matt's dad hasn't had any contact with Carrie at all. Matt helped me to understand how his dad might be feeling and I can understand the range of emotions he is probably experiencing. I guess what I don't understand is how you can completely shut someone out like that. I've seen him do it before and I've seen Matt do it too so I can see that they CAN do it but how do they do it? I can't imagine that it works well. I guess my whole thought is that Matt's dad is the last person that should cast judgment on someone else so I find it hard to not be upset by his behavior toward Carrie. I also know a little about her childhood to make me unhappy with the situation. Matt and I talked about it and he did calm me down some because his dad has endured a lot since Carrie has been back in Fresno. I empathize with that. Still, I know it is exhausting trying to support someone as they are making bad choices...but, I also know how necessary it is to do so that, one day, they decide to make the right choices because they know they will not be alone in the struggle. Let them know how you feel, make your boundaries clear, but never leave them completely. You don't want to let them pull you down and there is a way to let them know that you are there without putting too much of yourself out there. I understand we want to protect ourselves but can we really feel good by turning our back on someone in a time of need? I don't work like that. I want my sister-in-law back. I want her to be happy. I want to get to know her. I want her to feel a sense on pride and self-worth. I want her mom to not worry about her. After last night, I think she wants all those things too, and more. Treatment is going to be really tough but at least she will have one more person supporting her along the way. I hope that the pull of the drugs are less than the desires to be proud of herself and make everyone proud of her too.

In closing, wouldn't we all want to know that people are there to support us not matter how stupid we get? I know I would. Maybe I am slightly delusional when it comes to people but I truly believe that the good in people will eventually win IF they try...unless they have not good in them at all (which is totally possible in some cases).