Darn

So I heard back from the final two job applications I had submitted. It is a "no" from both. But, this time, it took a month and a half for me to get the answer...that is much better than last time. I am disappointed but not too upset. Maybe it isn't the right time. We are finally starting to enjoy our house and are planning on starting our master bathroom remodel this summer followed by an upgrade in the hall bathroom. Matt and I both have good jobs and are almost done paying off all our credit card debt (we set a goal to have it all paid by the last day of this year and we are more than half way through already). We are eligible to have our home loan restructured to lower the payment (let's just hope they decide to drop the PMI too...fingers crossed) so our home will be more affordable. I am hard at work reforming my unhealthy self and if I had to transition to full-time work, moving, and helping the kids through the transition, I know that it would be hard for me to be able to make my health a priority. Like I said, it's okay. The time will come and maybe this isn't it. Once Matt is out of school for summer, we will make more trips to visit my side of the family.

On a more positive note, I am doing really well with my birthday present to myself. I figured that, since I will be turning 30 this year, I should get my ass in shape so I can enjoy the years ahead. I am counting my calories, making healthy food choices, and being active. Instead of sitting on the uncomfortable metal bleachers during Jared's baseball game yesterday, I walked around the field and was still able to watch the game. I also walked to the school for the game and I walked home while Matt drove with the kids (about 2+ miles total). This afternoon Matt told me how happy he was to see my energy levels increasing. This past Sunday, we took the kids over to the school and hit baseballs...I am still sore but it was so much fun and I surprised both of us by how well I hit the balls. It is such a relief to see that my body can still respond so well after all the neglect...almost like it was just waiting for me to get my head straight and start using it again.

So, that's that for now. :)

An Easter Reflection

I thought I would use my last half hour of work to write some thoughts I have having. (Since it is Spring Break it is really dead here).

So, this morning, while talking with a coworker, I realized why I am not super excited every time a holiday comes around. Because I feel like an outsider here in Fresno. My husband's family has always been nice to me and the kids enjoy the times when we get together but I still feel very lonely. No one really knows me here except my husband. So, I go to family gatherings and chat and smile and eat and watch the kids play. But, sometimes I would rather stay at home with my dogs and cats. Why? Because they are closer to being my family than my in-laws are my family. I am 100% comfortable with my animals and I have been with them longer than anyone here in Fresno.

Again, this is not a reflection of my in-laws. In general, they are loving, welcoming, genuinely great people.

This is more about me being away from my family for almost 7 years. It is about me having a little family of my own (no matter how mixed we are) and not having my little family around my big family to enjoy one another. I give to my husband and kids and they give back to me. But when it comes down to it, they are the only one's here that know when I turn thirty or something important is happening in my life. There are talks of things happening in the lives of the people in my Fresno family but I am never the subject of that talk. I was stopping by my mother-in-law's house awhile ago to feed her animals while she was on vacation. She had a calendar posted on her kitchen wall and I noticed a bunch of birthdays written on the days. I flipped though the pages (because I was kind of amazed at how organized she was) and I noticed that everyone that I could think of in the family was on there except me. This was after Matt and I had been married. Now, I am not saying that my mother-in-law was intentionally trying to snub me but that the calendar is a perfect analogy of how I feel. It is kind of like being on the outside of a circle. BUT, I do need to mention that Matt's grandmother sent me a card for my birthday last year. :) The only thing I think my Fresno family knows about me is what I do for the kids. I think they respect me for that but maybe I just don't know how to fall into the puzzle and fit like everyone else.

The other part is that, I feel like our family time (meaning my birth family in Sac) is slowly going away. Not that I was the hinge that held everything together...that isn't the case. More that my aunt and uncle are exploring new things on their boat and my sister and brother-in-law enjoy doing their things and it seems like my mom and dad and grandma are doing things together. I remember how it used to be when we were younger. It is natural for all of us to grow up and want independence and do our own thing. Maybe it is because I have Courtney and Jared now and I see how much fun my parents have with them and how much they enjoy my parents and I want back what used to be there when I was younger. I want the kids to experience what I did when I was their age. Be able to go to grandma's and play with clay or go fishing and nature walking with my parents. I want to be able to jump in the car and go hang out with my family for the day without planning a massive trip. Or tell the kids that grandma and grandpa are stopping by for dinner.

I don't know if these realizations will help me or make it more challenging. I don't know if there will be any employment opportunities for myself or Matt that would make it possible for us to leave. If there were, would we be too scared to try or would we take a leap of faith and create a wonderful life for our family outside of Fresno. Lots of questions, lots of unknowns. Either way, my happiness is with my family and maybe that is why I feel so fractured sometimes...because my family is split in two. I have hope for the future in whatever direction we head.

Happy Easter to everyone near and far.