Matt moved the firewood by the back door (not my recommendation). Can you see the critter that Mya is watching?
A new cake for Thanksgiving. This was a super quick one. I started the whole process the night before and finished the morning of. I think I can tackle the "gift cake" any day (with a few tweaks). The flavor was a scratch made spice cake with vanilla butter cream and marshmallow fondant. Even Courtney gave it a thumbs up...and the kids are the hardest to please.
I got my prius! We are only paying about $10 more a month for our Prius than our Saturn Vue Hybrid. Thanks to Carmax, we got what we needed to pay off our Saturn and are very very happy owners of a 2010 Toyota Prius. This is my forever car and Matt loves it just as much. Now we can play the gas mileage game like my parents. hehe.
I haven't posted anything recently so I thought I would show I was still alive and share a little factoid.
My cousin's name is Michael Dwight (Bailey)
My husband's cousin's name is Michael Dwight (Lewis)
Funny, huh?
Take a moment today to think of those who serve and have served.
We all have loved ones that have served (or still do) and I'm sure we all have someone that we wish was still physically with us today because they made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that we can argue our ideas, walk safely on our streets, and independantly choose how we want to live our lives. My life is blessed to have these people in my heart. First on my list is my Grandpa Don. It has been a long time, but I still think of you often. Dad is looking more and more like you too. :) It's the eyebrows. Next is my dad (USMC like his dad). After that, there are too many to list just in my family.
No matter how they served, where they served, or when they served, take a moment to thank these people in your life. We can never know their experiences but we do know that they were willing to pay the price for each of us.
Love you daddy!
Jared turns 11 on Sunday. His "Birthday BBQ" party is tomorrow at a nearby park. Hot dogs, chips, soda, cupcakes and ice cream sandwiches. Can you say "no dishes"? Only paper plates and cups and everything on a budget. Seven boys and Matt is on football duty while I do the food. That works out well for me because those kids would drain me and I deserve a break from 100% kid duty. I will (wo)man the BBQ and keep everything on schedule. Here are some pictures of the cupcakes for Jared's party. It is great that his birthday is so close to Halloween because I can always be a little more creepy creative. Wish me luck. Jared has a Bday party to attend after his and Courtney has one at the same time. It's going to be a busy day.
Here is the cake I made for my coworker's grandmother's birthday party yesterday. It was large cake, 10 inches in diameter and probably about 6 inches high. The kids loved the left over batter I made into mini cupcakes so I hope the main cake went over just as well. I gave my coworker little tiny (non)business cards with my website and phone # so maybe I will get some interest. Even my mother-in-law is a supporter of the idea. She is getting cupcakes tonight for her birthday. Apple cake with cinnamon cream cheese filling and cream cheese frosting. I will post pics of those too. My KitchenAid is loving all the attention, haha. So the cake below is a buttermilk cake with strawberry filling, vanilla buttercream frosting and royal icing flowers. It is also posted on my cake-site.
I made this for my coworker's birthday. It was a fun excuse to try something new. Some areas look a little sloppy but I think that was because I kept changing the design. More planning next time. I am doing a cake for one of my coworker's this weekend. Her family is throwing a party for her grandmother's 85th birthday. It is a really simple cake so it should be easy enough. Those pictures will be posted here and on my cake-site "Cakes by Keri".
Banana cake with vanilla buttercream. Matt just about died waiting to eat this cake. He loves banana and was trying to steal cake since he got home from work...while it was cooling! I made him wait until it was all decorated and I took pictures. If you want to hear him whine, dangle some banana cake in front of him and don't let him touch it. HAHA!! I really like the look of this cake and it was delicious. If you like banana bread, you will LOVE this banana cake.
Here is my latest cake.
Yellow cake with blackberry filling and honey meringue buttercream covered in fondant. Everything made from scratch, of course.
Hope you like it.
On a side note, it is windy and cool here is frespit. I am looking forward to this lovely weather this week...fall is coming. Yeah! Now we have to really focus on weatherproofing our yard and getting some gutters back up. YIKES!!
First, I have added pictures to my cake website--> Cakes by Keri
Second, I am making my first two tiered cake this weekend. It will be a white cake with blackberry custard and honey buttercream. I will be making the cake for a birthday celebration my coworker is having for her grandmother's 85th birthday. The family has reserved a room at a local restaurant so it is more formal. I don't know how much she is paying me but I am going to get some prices from some bakeries around here and then talk to her about the price (less than the bakeries of course but I really don't want to spend hours on a cake and get paid just enough to cover materials).
I will post picture when I'm done.
Today was the second day I rode my bicycle to work. I did it one day last week and kind of have to plan it out to make sure I have enough time to get home so that I am not late for appointments or something like that. It only took me 37 minutes this morning...743-820am. I rode with Courtney to school Tuesday morning (about 2 1/2 miles round trip) and I will be riding to work again tomorrow. With all this riding, my butt doesn't hurt anymore! My work is about a 14 mile round trip on surface streets.
Matt and I rearranged our work out room and he built a wall mount for the TV. So, that room is a lot nicer to use and I am hope to start using our weight machine very soon.
In other news, I was going to take the cake decorating classes at Micheal's but I have to work next week on my typical day off and it happens to be the first day of class. I'm not upset though. I think I can learn most of what I need from practice and research. I'm pretty good so far but nothing compared to those food network cake people. I hope to get into gum paste in the future because I think I would really enjoy the sculptural aspect and the more realistic appearance of the decorations. I am covering my first cake in fondant for this weekend when my parents and grandma visit. Should be fun.
I only lost a pound this past week but that is better than nothing or gaining something. Everyone at work is really supportive and always asking how much more I have lost. My inlaws all noticed too. Losing weight is pretty fun when you are enjoying your food and exercise. haha.
oh and I am working on my website for my cakes. The address is http://cakesbykeri.webs.com/
It is still a work in progress so not many people know about it yet.
Just an update for those that are following my weight loss journey.
Today was weigh-in day and I am down another 2.5 pounds. (last week was zero...but nothing gained either...stupid ice cream slips). That brings me to a total of 13 pounds lost this month (started my journey on 7/22). If I keep this going, I will be at my goal weight by Christmas! I have actually lost 24 pounds since last November when I cut my finger. Yeah!
I hate spending the money to lose the weight but it keeps me dedicated to sticking with it AND I am seeing results! It is worth the cost to regain my health and happiness!
Slow and steady wins the race.
Comfortable.
Today was my weigh-in day and I lost another 2 pounds. Matt said, "I don't think that scale is very accurate" because he thinks I look like I have lost more. Yeah! 2 pounds down is better than 2 pounds up. Around week 3 is where I think I have started slacking in the past but I am determined to stick with it and alter my lifestyle to be happy and healthy.
Matt got a bike from craigslist this weekend. It was $200 dollars which was a little painful because we are so tight but it was a fantastic deal and a really smart investment in our physical health and our relationship. It is a 19 1/2 inch Trek bike (those are expensive) with an odometer, headlight, tail light, seat bag, bike pump (with the quick pump doodad), aluminum water bottle with 2 bottle holders on the bike, gloves, and a bike rack that fits on the Saturn and holds both our bikes. Holy Cow!!! That is about $600 worth of stuff! On Monday, I rode my bike to Matt's work and back (about 15 miles round trip). I wasn't pooped at all...my butt just hurt really bad! My bike needs a good cleaning and a tune up but it is great too...especially considering it is over 10 years old. We are planning to do more family bike rides in the evening with the kids (they tend to poop out much quicker...especially Courtney) and now Matt and I can run the doggies with our bikes. On weekends, when the kids aren't home, Matt and I are going to start to take little trips here and there to ride our bikes. My goal is to outlast him...I don't think it will be too hard, I have a little bit of a competitive streak in me. haha.
Also on Monday, Matt and the kids went on a bike ride after work. I decided to take the dogs for a walk because my butt still hurt (really my butt is still a little sore today!) and they need, and deserve, to get outside too. Max and Mya were awesome and we even jogged a little bit. I need to get Mya into shape with me because I am afraid she it going to fall over if we go too long. Max could easily be my jogging buddy right now. The kids are going to Pismo all next week so I am going to start to amp up my exercise routine then. That way, I can have some time to myself and get into my groove by the time they start school at the end of the month and keep on going. I am so excited to see my efforts pay off and I can tell that Matt is really proud of me too. I talked to Matt after I got back home on Monday and told me that one of the guys at his work had seen me leave (we sat at the same table with him at the company Christmas party) and he said to Matt, "wow, she's lost a lot of weight". That got me thinking and I am probably about 25 pounds lighter than I was at the party. Yea Me! I am going to make it back into my skinny clothes by this Christmas party!!
On another note, the Woodland job is closed. They didn't contact me like they said they would and that is professionally disappointing BUT I am okay that I didn't get the job. There is another job at the same campus that just posted for an Upward Bound Supervisor. I am applying for that one. The pay is less (about $8-10,000 less) but it is a less demanding job and the application process is so simple compared to the others. Oh, and it only requires a Bachelor's Degree.
Matt had his annual evaluation yesterday. It went really well (his boss loves him). Raises aren't done until Novemberish but we are hoping for/expecting about a $4/hour raise.
That's about that for now. The forecast is looking peachy with a clean breeze.
Haven't heard anything regarding the Woodland job. My birthday was much more relaxing than my usual days (when the kids are home). They really tried to make an effort and cleaned the house (in a way they knew how) while I was at work. Courtney spent the day making me a bracelet, Jared gave me a Thomas Kincade postcard/picture (yes mom, he did remember) and Matt got tickets for the two of us to see the "So You Think You Can Dance" tour at the SaveMart Center. This was a big surprise because he already went in with my parents to get me my fantabulous kitchenaid stand mixer. When it comes to gifts for me, my husband is always very thoughtful.
Of course, I got home made cards (Matt made me decode mine because he wrote what my present was in symbols). My parents called, my grandma called and sent me a card with a gift inside (naughty grandma), and Mindy and Erin and my aunt and uncle sent me ecards. Matt's cousin even sent me a text. That was the extent of contact from his side...I wasn't really expecting anything at all.
I am currently on Nutrisystem and the only naughtiness I had yesterday was a half cup of ice cream. I feel good about that. I have lost 8 pounds so far and I am half way through week 2 and trying to stay away from the scale until my weigh in day of Wednesday. I make Matt give me a "skinny test" almost everyday. It is really my excuse for making him give me a hug. haha.
So things aren't bad and that is good and I am making progress on myself. :)
The interview went well yesterday. I am exhausted today. I stopped by a Mr. Pickles sandwich shop before hitting the road back home yesterday. HOLY YUMMERS!!! Someone please open a franchise in Fresno! It is so tasty and they even give you a warm cookie with your sandwich. My cookie was still warm after I finished my sandwich and discovered the treat in the bottom of the bag.
YUMMY!!! I hope to see you again Mr. Pickles!
The Dean of Student Development sent me a personal email notifying me that I did not get the job at Yuba College. I was one of the finalists and he told me that with a little more experience, I will be hard to beat in an interview. That is great feedback.
So, I have mixed emotions about this. A little relief because the area is a lot different than I thought it would be and I was worried about how happy we would ALL be living there. Disappointed because it would have been an incredible opportunity for me and my family to be more financially stable and have the chance for other things. Proud that I was a finalist in the first interview I have had since FCC.
I am leaving for Woodland in about an hour or so for my interview with them. I have to give a presentation and I have my handouts prepared but I am still sorting out the approach I want to take. I was practicing last night and kept getting tongue tied and it felt a little funky so I just need to run through it in my head while I drive. As long as I have determined the direction I want to take it, I can freestyle pretty well.
I know there is a bigger plan for me. Obviously, at this time, Yuba is not it. I hope Woodland is part of the plan but I am also prepared for Fresno to still be part of the plan too. We have our health and each other and a home. I just hope my hours aren't cut any more because I really don't know what we are going to do then. I WILL stay positive!
Tomorrow is interview #2. It will be another long day as I am driving up in the morning and back home after the interview. My interview starts at 2:40pm so I should be done just in time for 5pm traffic. FANTASTIC. Maybe I will stop and get some food and eat there (rather than in the car)...that might be smarter than sitting on the freeway forever.
No real news on the job interview from last week. They did call my references as of last Thursday. Is that I good sign? I hope so. Our hours were reduced to 15/week as of yesterday. That is a nice, healthy 25% pay cut. Our boss...no cuts to her salary...maybe she will get a heart soon, her pay is about 4 of us combined and WE work our booties off.
Anyway, I have a job and that is good. I am staying positive for the future.
For anyone that I wasn't able to speak with, the interview with Yuba College was fantastic! I should know something within the next two weeks and the job starts August 1st. I'm just really really tired from the prep to the interview to the drive home.
Next week is Woodland Community College. That will be a super long day with lots of driving.
But, I am excited. The process is exhausting but I am learning so much about myself...mostly that I am more knowledgeable than I give myself credit. I think there is a great chance of being offered one of the jobs but there is a chance that I won't be. If I get a job, that means a lot of sacrifices but the chance for great opportunities for my family. If I don't get the job, we will do what we have been doing and work for greater opportunities in our future. I know there is a greater plan at work and I trust that our time will come.
So much has been going on. You would think that things would be more relaxed with the kids gone with week...apparently not.
Matt and I have been replacing boards on the outside of the house. We replaced the facia on the front and installed new drip caps and then Matt decided that we should replace almost all of the boards framing the garage area and do it this week before my parents come down this weekend to help demolish the bathroom and pick up the kids for vacation. I think we should have it done by today. I have been working full days this week because we got some extra hours and my program started today so I have been busy at work all week. Today I get to go home at 1pm and clean clean clean the house. Then, when Matt gets home, we can finish the front of the house (for now). No rest for the weary, demo starts on Saturday (or Friday knowing how Matt is) and then a few more weeks of construction. It will be worth it but we are exhausted.
In other news, I have two job interviews. I am scared. There is the potential for great opportunity but it requires some big sacrifices. Matt is completely supportive and I think he now realizes how BIG this is. Initially, he was happy but I don't think he understood the magnitude of getting the interviews or the type of position it is. Now he does and I think he actually has moments of excitement when he thinks of the possibilities it could bring. Like me, we both go back and forth but we are taking it one day at a time.
It is scary. There are a lot of potential changes in our near future.
Take two cakes (sour cream chocolate and lemon buttermilk)
and some royal icing flowers
finish with some leaves and they are so pretty and tasty!
They were a huge hit!
I should have made some business cards.
I think I even surprised myself.
Maybe I could make this into a small business.
Nothing new. Really, there is a lot of jacked up stuff going on that isn't worth my energy to type but, in the CalWORKs divison, we are holding together as a group. We are all worried about our families and our students and their families. We don't know what will happen.
We spent the day at my coworker's house having a "retreat" (at no cost to the college or anyone else). That means that we came together, supported each other, worked on goals that the college president wants to hear (whatever), and tried to process the possible future of our program, our students, our state, etc. We are an amazing group of people. We genuinely care deeply for the welfare of our students and their goals of self-sufficiency and, when faced with losing our jobs and the very dark future for the CalWORKs recipients, we still find a way to laugh and smile. Maybe it is a defense mechanism because we are exhausted, scared, and preparing for the worst...maybe it is because we have tremendous hearts and still try to find joy in the fact that we are bound together, not only by our goal to help others help themselves, but by the absurdity around us, the unjustness, and the greed that has put us, and all hard working Californian's, in this horrible position.
I pray that EDD will not collapse under the strain. My heart goes out to all of those that are on the chopping block. For those that can't seem to empathize with those that are losing their jobs (hard working, tax paying, revenue generating California's of all backgrounds), I pray that you will learn that we are all interconnected and that this shockwave of cuts and unemployment will effect you too. Help someone, give back, open your heart.
I left work today with the feeling that we are all accepting the fact the layoffs are close at hand.
PLEASE, if you care about the reform of this state and the people that live here, below are instructions on how to let your voice be heard. Our director told us today that, when she worked in Idaho in the mid 1990's when reform to the welfare system began, they saw 30,000 people get off welfare in the first year (due to employment!). If you question wether or not the programs work, wait until they aren't there anymore.
You can contact them using: http://www.legislature.ca.gov/
Once on this page:
Access “Find my District” on the right hand side of the page.
Type in your zip code and the reps names will come up.
I found Senator Dave Cogdill and Assembly member Michael Villines.
Click on their names and their web pages will come up.
You can then send them a quick email and let them know you oppose the elimination of funding for CalWORKs.
Claim unemployment and sell cakes.
Things are not looking good here. Things are not looking good for California. Within the next 2 years, CA will be facing a $45 billion deficit. This state is really struggling...or has been struggling and it is getting a whole lot worse. CalWORKs funding is looking to be cut by more than half for the 2009-2010 budget year. That starts on July 1st, so who knows.
Employment in CA is not looking good right now. Whatever happens, we will be okay. I feel that I have to believe that, but I know that it is true.
We know we are loved and are in people's thought and that does help.
I have been wanting to build a raised dog feeder for awhile now. It helps with the doggies' digestive track (they gulp less air when they eat) and it looks a lot neater than having the bowls on the food and kicking them around. The primary reason was their health (especially Mya, our gulper).
We are trying to not spend any money that isn't necessary so Matt pulled out the scrap wood for me. Well, we had this old tv cart that we weren't using anymore and it was taking up space in the garage. So, I took some measurements to see if I could fit all the bowls in it and ran the idea past Matt. Since he was working on a project too, he had the tools out. So, I modified the cart and cut some holes and now the doggies have a healthy feeding center.
They were a little cautious last night when I first moved their food into it. This morning, Max ate like a champ (he is much more particular than Mya).
This is HORRIBLE. What is he thinking with his "proposed" cuts? Funny how the top doesn't get cut but he wants to cut EVERYTHING from the bottom. CalWORKs gone, Healthy Families gone, Cal Grants gone, etc.... The ramifications are monumental. Increases in homelessness, uneducated children and families, sick children, domestic violence, illegal activities, etc. We are only as strong as the weakest member and he is suggesting cutting resources to these people all together. HUGE MISTAKE. It should say something that, when people are losing their jobs, CPS is actually getting overtime because their caseloads are increasing. Hmmm...something to think about.
I pray that this does not happen. If it does, I worry for my students. If it does, I worry for my family because I will be out of a job.
Stressing is not going to help anything but I would be lying if I wasn't scared for my family and the families out there that are already at the bottom, working hard to climb up.
I really hope that California has a clue because our governor does not. God help us all because, even if you make $1 million a year, we will all feel the results.
This is not the way to help Californians.
Things were fine yesterday. Today is totally different. I have been thrown into the epicenter of college politics because I try to do my job and serve our students and other people like power and don't seem to care about students. Thankfully, it looks like I am getting the support of my director (my coworkers and instructors are backing me too). We will see if my dean supports me too.... A meeting is in the works to discuss the problems we face with the divison through which our program come. Maybe it won't be as big of a deal as it feels right now. There are a lot of things in my favor so I am going to try not to focus on it and keep doing my job.
Trying to stay positive. I am not good at politics, maybe I should play the lottery (and win!) and become a hermit on a farm with my family.
**NOTE**
This was written yesterday (5/21/09) but was not able to post due to internet problems.
Matt and I visited his step-sister in jail last night. She is leaving this morning for a treatment center in LA. I haven't mentioned her a whole lot because I try to keep other people's business as private as possible. Anyway, Carrie (my sister-in-law) has been battling with meth since before I have known her. I didn't know about it until we were having challenges with Matt's oldest daughter. Her husband tried to move her away from Fresno in one of his attempts to keep her away from the drugs and people. That didn't work and she decided to divorce him and move back to Fresno last year. It was a down hill slide from there. What landed her in jail was theft. Okay, enough said about that.
So Matt's step-mom called him last Wednesday to give him an update on Carrie...that she was waiting for a spot to open up at a treatment facility and, for the first time, she gave us contact info for Carrie in case we wanted to write to her. Thursday I wrote her a letter and mailed it on Friday. In the letter, I told her that if she wanted to see us (me and Matt), to put us on her visitors list and we would be there. She got the letter on Monday and called her mom to have her call us to let us know that we were on the list. Matt talked to his step-mom Tuesday (she did call me on Monday and I forgot to call her back before she called Matt), we found out Carrie was leaving Thursday so we visited her last night.
Jail is not a friendly place to be and I understand why it isn't supposed to be but EWWW! I don't know what Sacramento's visiting area looks like but, based on my knowledge of the other areas of the facility, it is probably a million times better than Fresno's. The ceilings are super low, it was hot, and I cleaned my ear and face and hands when we got home. I am okay with the "institutional" look but it really didn't look sanitary...at least on our side.
It was really good to see her...and emotional. Carrie and I have always gotten along well and I think I have always felt a little sadness for her based on the limited amount of info I have regarding her childhood and Matt's dad being her step-dad. She is a good person that has tried to cope with some bad things and chose the wrong way to do it. On top of that, she is diagnosed Bipolar. If you are at all familiar with this disorder, it is EXTREMELY challenging to manage, find a medication/treatment that works without unpleasant side effects, and not always easy to get the person to stay on their medication regiment. So, Carrie has been on a certain medication for 4 years but when she divorced, she lost her medical coverage so she was getting a prescription over the internet from Canada. Admittedly not the best route to take but, given her lack of options with the health care in the country and her need for the medication, I can understand. Well, because the medication is so expensive and it is not on the approved "list" in the jail and she has no medical coverage outside the jail, she has been off her medication for a month. I was beyond pissed and saddened when she told me this. Really, if you want to maintain order in the jail, all the inmates should be as mentally healthy as possible. I do understand costs and budgets but this is just one of the areas that need reform. How many people incarcerated have medical coverage and have the money to pay the higher copay for an expensive medication? Not many. On a side note, there is a ton of money to make in pharmaceutical sales...I wonder why. Stupid!
On to other irritants… Carrie has been in jail for a month and two days and we were her third visit. What? I know what it feels like to be completely betrayed and I can only imagine what that would feel like coming from a very close relative but does that mean that you shut them out completely once they end up in a place like jail, prison, detention of any kind? Wouldn't you want them to turn their life around and be healthy? Wouldn't you want them to know that you are hurt and untrusting and cannot support the life they have chosen but that, if they choose to get healthy, you will be there to support them and give them the opportunity to rebuild that trust and mend the hurt? I would. If I had known that Carrie had been in jail that long and I know that I was allowed to visit, I would have done it earlier and frequently. Sure my stomach hurt walking into the little visiting check-in area, and I was a little more than uncomfortable with the level of germs and environment. But, how does Carrie feel? My hour of discomfort is a price I am willing to pay if it helps her at all. Yes, I know it was effectively her "choice" to be there but none of us always make good choices all of the time.
Matt asked my why I am willing to give Carrie the benefit of the doubt and not Brittany. My response was that I DID give Brittany the benefit of the doubt. I visited her in detention, I had personal conversations with her supporting her, and I opened my heart to her. What I got in return was some fake words, projection of fault, scapegoating (not just by her), lies and a lot of pain. So I withdrew myself as protection. Now I am a cautious supporter, evaluating signs and sharing my concerns or helpful information with Matt (and Brittany if she acknowledges me). I told Matt that Brittany has apologized to everyone except me. I was incredibly hurt by everyone when I tried to help so can you blame me if I don't want to help as much as before? I tried to give all of myself and still maintain safe boundaries for the sake of the kids and our family and all I got in return was evilness and a load of projection (as if I was the one that created the problem...by stupid stupid stupid people that chose not to look at their mistakes to try better next time!) The only person in the situation that actually knows me and cares about me is Matt and he is the ONLY person in my immediate family-in-law that I trust. ANYWAY, so I will do the same for Carrie. I will always be there to support her health. If she burns me, I will withdraw. BUT, I will always let her know that, if she chooses healthy living, I will always be there to support her.
So, Matt's dad hasn't had any contact with Carrie at all. Matt helped me to understand how his dad might be feeling and I can understand the range of emotions he is probably experiencing. I guess what I don't understand is how you can completely shut someone out like that. I've seen him do it before and I've seen Matt do it too so I can see that they CAN do it but how do they do it? I can't imagine that it works well. I guess my whole thought is that Matt's dad is the last person that should cast judgment on someone else so I find it hard to not be upset by his behavior toward Carrie. I also know a little about her childhood to make me unhappy with the situation. Matt and I talked about it and he did calm me down some because his dad has endured a lot since Carrie has been back in Fresno. I empathize with that. Still, I know it is exhausting trying to support someone as they are making bad choices...but, I also know how necessary it is to do so that, one day, they decide to make the right choices because they know they will not be alone in the struggle. Let them know how you feel, make your boundaries clear, but never leave them completely. You don't want to let them pull you down and there is a way to let them know that you are there without putting too much of yourself out there. I understand we want to protect ourselves but can we really feel good by turning our back on someone in a time of need? I don't work like that. I want my sister-in-law back. I want her to be happy. I want to get to know her. I want her to feel a sense on pride and self-worth. I want her mom to not worry about her. After last night, I think she wants all those things too, and more. Treatment is going to be really tough but at least she will have one more person supporting her along the way. I hope that the pull of the drugs are less than the desires to be proud of herself and make everyone proud of her too.
In closing, wouldn't we all want to know that people are there to support us not matter how stupid we get? I know I would. Maybe I am slightly delusional when it comes to people but I truly believe that the good in people will eventually win IF they try...unless they have not good in them at all (which is totally possible in some cases).
At work, we thought we were going to be able to work additional hours from May 26th to the last day in June. That would have been fantastic for paying off bills (and we were able to work extra last summer). Well, that was before the governor decided to make cuts to community colleges...including big cuts to catagorical funding (us). So now we have to be careful of our spending and no extra hours. Anxiety.
Will they have to make cuts? Who knows, we are hardly told anything about anything. Anxiety. At least I have some seniority here so I would not be the first or second to go. I have applications in at two more colleges with Yuba Community College District. That would mean moving, renting out our house, transitioning everyone, working full time, having my income become even more important than it is now...ANXIETY.
So, knowing that I have "generalized anxiety disorder" and not wanting to do the med thing again (because the side effects are not worth it and I didn't see much of a difference being on a low dose and I don't want to even think of a high dose) I need to find ways to reduce my stress responses and obsessive thinking about the "what if"s. I really am trying to not verbally express my anxiety quite so much because I think it actually makes it worse. My challenge is how to stop the physiological responses. When I get stressed or anxious, I can feel my body changing...almost like I can feel the hormones and chemicals spread throughout my body. When I do feel it, I try my self-talk to calm myself down. That seems to help some and will probably increase in effectiveness as I practice doing it. My next step will be to remain calm enough throughout the day that, if a stressful or anxious situation arises, my body will not flood itself.
I truly believe the key to this is EXERCISE and eating healthy foods. Taking "me" time and going for a walk or bike ride in the evening is something I am trying to work out in my head. I don't feel guilty not taking the kids (because most of my day is for them) but I do feel guilty not taking the dogs. But, I know that I need to take the time for me and not have them with me. I think that once I work up to a faster pace or have my routine firmly cemented, I will be able to incorportate the dogs into my walks or outside time without it taking away from my "me" time.
So this is a plan I am developing because it is far too easy for anxiety to take over every facet of my life if I am not aware. I need to learn to be a duck (water off the back) and a boxer (roll with the punches).
I will be a boxing duck.
So I heard back from the final two job applications I had submitted. It is a "no" from both. But, this time, it took a month and a half for me to get the answer...that is much better than last time. I am disappointed but not too upset. Maybe it isn't the right time. We are finally starting to enjoy our house and are planning on starting our master bathroom remodel this summer followed by an upgrade in the hall bathroom. Matt and I both have good jobs and are almost done paying off all our credit card debt (we set a goal to have it all paid by the last day of this year and we are more than half way through already). We are eligible to have our home loan restructured to lower the payment (let's just hope they decide to drop the PMI too...fingers crossed) so our home will be more affordable. I am hard at work reforming my unhealthy self and if I had to transition to full-time work, moving, and helping the kids through the transition, I know that it would be hard for me to be able to make my health a priority. Like I said, it's okay. The time will come and maybe this isn't it. Once Matt is out of school for summer, we will make more trips to visit my side of the family.
On a more positive note, I am doing really well with my birthday present to myself. I figured that, since I will be turning 30 this year, I should get my ass in shape so I can enjoy the years ahead. I am counting my calories, making healthy food choices, and being active. Instead of sitting on the uncomfortable metal bleachers during Jared's baseball game yesterday, I walked around the field and was still able to watch the game. I also walked to the school for the game and I walked home while Matt drove with the kids (about 2+ miles total). This afternoon Matt told me how happy he was to see my energy levels increasing. This past Sunday, we took the kids over to the school and hit baseballs...I am still sore but it was so much fun and I surprised both of us by how well I hit the balls. It is such a relief to see that my body can still respond so well after all the neglect...almost like it was just waiting for me to get my head straight and start using it again.
So, that's that for now. :)
I thought I would use my last half hour of work to write some thoughts I have having. (Since it is Spring Break it is really dead here).
So, this morning, while talking with a coworker, I realized why I am not super excited every time a holiday comes around. Because I feel like an outsider here in Fresno. My husband's family has always been nice to me and the kids enjoy the times when we get together but I still feel very lonely. No one really knows me here except my husband. So, I go to family gatherings and chat and smile and eat and watch the kids play. But, sometimes I would rather stay at home with my dogs and cats. Why? Because they are closer to being my family than my in-laws are my family. I am 100% comfortable with my animals and I have been with them longer than anyone here in Fresno.
Again, this is not a reflection of my in-laws. In general, they are loving, welcoming, genuinely great people.
This is more about me being away from my family for almost 7 years. It is about me having a little family of my own (no matter how mixed we are) and not having my little family around my big family to enjoy one another. I give to my husband and kids and they give back to me. But when it comes down to it, they are the only one's here that know when I turn thirty or something important is happening in my life. There are talks of things happening in the lives of the people in my Fresno family but I am never the subject of that talk. I was stopping by my mother-in-law's house awhile ago to feed her animals while she was on vacation. She had a calendar posted on her kitchen wall and I noticed a bunch of birthdays written on the days. I flipped though the pages (because I was kind of amazed at how organized she was) and I noticed that everyone that I could think of in the family was on there except me. This was after Matt and I had been married. Now, I am not saying that my mother-in-law was intentionally trying to snub me but that the calendar is a perfect analogy of how I feel. It is kind of like being on the outside of a circle. BUT, I do need to mention that Matt's grandmother sent me a card for my birthday last year. :) The only thing I think my Fresno family knows about me is what I do for the kids. I think they respect me for that but maybe I just don't know how to fall into the puzzle and fit like everyone else.
The other part is that, I feel like our family time (meaning my birth family in Sac) is slowly going away. Not that I was the hinge that held everything together...that isn't the case. More that my aunt and uncle are exploring new things on their boat and my sister and brother-in-law enjoy doing their things and it seems like my mom and dad and grandma are doing things together. I remember how it used to be when we were younger. It is natural for all of us to grow up and want independence and do our own thing. Maybe it is because I have Courtney and Jared now and I see how much fun my parents have with them and how much they enjoy my parents and I want back what used to be there when I was younger. I want the kids to experience what I did when I was their age. Be able to go to grandma's and play with clay or go fishing and nature walking with my parents. I want to be able to jump in the car and go hang out with my family for the day without planning a massive trip. Or tell the kids that grandma and grandpa are stopping by for dinner.
I don't know if these realizations will help me or make it more challenging. I don't know if there will be any employment opportunities for myself or Matt that would make it possible for us to leave. If there were, would we be too scared to try or would we take a leap of faith and create a wonderful life for our family outside of Fresno. Lots of questions, lots of unknowns. Either way, my happiness is with my family and maybe that is why I feel so fractured sometimes...because my family is split in two. I have hope for the future in whatever direction we head.
Happy Easter to everyone near and far.
We will be having corned beef and cabbage tonight...although that is not a dish they usually eat in Ireland on St. Patty's Day. But I love it and I will make everyone else love it too!!!! HAHAHAHA!
Krazy Keri is on the road!
I passed my motorcycle basic skills class this last weekend. Not only am I awesome but one of the guys (men) in the class said he would rather be behind me than some of the guys. HAHA. That is a huge compliment since the man is a pretty old fashioned gender-role type of guy...but he was nice. :)
It was tons of fun but pretty exhausting having to drive so far. It really made for a long weekend. When I got home from the last day, Matt and I rode over to the elementary school so I could show him how well I did. He rode my Burgman 400 motorcycle (with automatic transmission) and I rode his V-star 1300. Holy Cow!! His bike has POWER!!! When I kicked it into 3rd gear, I had tears streaming from the corners of my eyes to my ears (3/4 helmet). That thing is like riding a bull with the speed of a cheetah! Needless to say, his bike is a little too much for me but it sure was fun for the 3 miles that we rode. I road my bike to work this morning and loved it!! It can't quite kick it in the ass like matt's but it certainly can hold it's own.
Yesterday was Courtney's birthday and I am SO GLAD IT IS OVER! Matt did the dishes for me (thank God) and Courtney will be putting away dishes this afternoon. Her cake took me a long time but it is probably the best I have done so far (pictures will be posted later) and the girls were LOUD and SQUEALY!! How old are they when we can stop doing "birthday parties"? I was completely BEAT! I told Matt that I would rather have worked a full-time job yesterday than put the party together. I made each girl 2 barrets with satin ribbons and a flower with a rhinestone center. I will have to take a picture of the one I made Courtney.
We got Courtney a basket for her bike so she rode to school today for the first time. Really, the only person that didn't ride their bike today was Matt. haha.
Anyway, I am back at work and brain dead to say the least. Jared has practice tonight, Matt has class, and I have to get some yard clippings in the green waste for pick up in the morning. Plus dinner...kids reading...cleaning up...showers...homework...sleep...not in that order.
I just want some rest.
"I got the last spot for this weekend in Atwater. I'm scared. Eeek!"
This was the message I sent my husband a few minutes ago. My permit expires on 3/24/09 and I need to take the Basic Motorcycle Skills class so I can get my license. Luckily, they had one more spot open for the classes in Atwater this weekend. Fresno is still ho-bunk enough that they don't have the classes IN Fresno. Stupid.
I was looking at the classes in Sacramento but I am teaching right now and it is hard for me to get out of here during the week (the classes are on Thurs/Sat/Sun or Fri/Sat/Sun). Plus, I would have to go by myself since Matt has class on Saturdays.
So, Atwater it is! I still have to drive about 2.5 hours round trip on Saturday and Sunday but Friday is the classroom portion and it is in Fresno. I get to spend at least part of the weekend with my husband and then have to get everything ready for Courtney's birthday party on Monday (at least I have that day off from work). Silly me, I thought I was going to get some sleep over the weekend. That doesn't look like it will be happening.
Matt said he doesn't want me driving to Atwater alone at night (in case the classroom portion was not in Fresno). That's when you know your husband loves you. I don't know how I survived after sundown before I met him. HAHA!
Wish me luck! Hope I don't poop my pants. :)
Due to years of digestive problems, fatigue, weight gain, and depressive episodes, I am changing my diet completely. Now, I don't mean "diet" like, "I'm on a 'diet' to lose 50 pounds", I mean "diet" as in what I eat as a living creature. Of course, I am expecting weight loss to be a welcomed side effect of my dietary changes but that is only one of many things I look forward to happening.
I would like to thank those that have help my decision to make a change.
First, my mother.
She has always been an advocate for my health and has tirelessly researched to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Now, I know moms do this kind of stuff and, if your mom is a nurse, they probably are better and more motivated than those that are not. But, if you combine the mom thing, the nurse thing, and then multiply that by the strength of a nuclear warhead...then you have my mom. I can't imagine what I would feel or look like now if I didn't have the upbringing in health that I did and if my mom didn't continue to send me information or force me to go to the doctor to keep me aware of my need to pursue the answers to my health. Thanks mom, I love you! I love you too dad! (he is the silent, supportive partner of the "Keri's Health Quest")
Second, my aunt Nina.
Through her own struggles with her health and nutrition, I have seen myself and the similar path I was traveling (before the changes she made). I have been aware of my aunt's nutritional choices for years and have always understood them and the healthy reasoning for them but, I didn't know all the reason WHY she (and my uncle, Clark) made those choices. Thanks to my mom for sending me the link to Nina and Clark's website and thanks to my aunt for openly sharing, I now understand why it was necessary for them to change their diet. Nina and Clark have ALWAYS been two of the healthiest people I have ever know (maybe THE healthiest) so, to see their struggle and now success is a great inspiration to me. Below is the link to their page. Even if your body isn't as sensitive as Nina's (or mine), I'm sure most everyone can say, "Oh, that happens to me too!! Maybe it is the food I am eating." Anyway, check it out...or don't, it's your choice.
http://www.svrikki.net/RTT/LowCarb/Low-Carb/Welcome.html
Lastly, Michael Thurman.
Yes, I am talking about the trainer from Extreme Makeover (body edition...haha). Years ago, I ordered the 6-Week Body Makeover. The eating plan is VERY low carb, only allowing carbs (in the form of rice or potatoes...as far as I remember) at lunch and dinner in small amounts. Along with eating 5 times a day, it increases the amounts of protein, veggies, and water. Not only did I lose 20 pounds in a month but I felt FANTASTIC. Please don't ask why I fell off the wagon. poop! Anyway, I am thanking him because, through that experience, I know how I feel when my carbohydrate consumption is low and I want to feel like that again.
So, if you hadn't caught on, I am changing to a carbohydrate restricted diet. In case anyone is reading this that doesn't know what a carbohydrate is (which is probably no one since I don't think many people even know about this page), in a nutshell, carbs are in tons of things. It is not just bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. Carbs are SUGARS. That includes sugar (of course), honey, molasses, all those sweet things, your breads and starches, and a lot of fruits have high amounts of natural carbs/sugars. I am far from an expert in nutrition but I do educate myself and am probably more knowledgeable that a large percentage of the general population. For example, did you know that there is sugar (or high fructose corn syrup) in canned or jarred pasta sauce? Maybe that is why most of them give me heart burn...argh! Anyway, sugar makes your body react in a rollercoaster like fashion. If yo-yo diets stress your body, don't you think that it would be unhealthy for the reactions in your body to behave in this way MULIPLE TIMES A DAY?! Yikes! Anyway, I am not going to go on and on. If you want to learn more, check out my aunt's website and/or do some research, ask questions. People living the low-carb lifestyle are not trying to take over the government or the world. Like my aunt, they are just people that are living a healthy way, getting some fantastic results in blood pressure, cholesterol, weight management, energy, emotional wellbeing, etc, and maybe wanting to share their experience and information so other people can experience being healthy too.
Sure, sometimes I want I piece of my homemade banana bread but, when I did eat a little bit, my body said, "What the heck is that stuff? Get it outta here!" I didn't like being out of synch with my body so I leave the banana tastiness for others to enjoy if they choose. And, honestly I like having healthy BMs. Sorry if that is a little icky for you but, really, don't you like having healthy BMs too? If you like the icky ones, that is really icky. Please, if you know me, you know I am not embarrassed to talk about body functions. I am the daughter of a nurse and see no reason to try to pretend that we don't all poop, fart, burp, barf, snot, etc. If it wasn't natural to do, we wouldn't have the parts to do it. While I won't go into detail, I will say that everything functions at a much more comfortable level than before.
Finally, to all you veggers and vegans out there (who probably don't read this blog), I don't hate you, I want to BE you! Unfortunately, being a vegger made me unhealthy, fat, slow, and out of wack. This is very challenging for me because I would love nothing more than to know that nothing I consumed came from an animal. Maybe, over time, our bodies will evolve into more of an herbivorous type machine. But, for now, I am in a body that doesn't tolerate all nonmeat products as well as other bodies do. If I come back in another life after our bodies have evolved, I would not have such an emotional battle going on inside me. But, this is for another blog on another day. For now, I need to find my healthy self because the unhealthy one isn't working.
Happy health to everyone!
When you feel that you have done all you can...pray.
When you feel that the cards are stacked against you...pray.
When you feel exhausted, defeated, and lost...pray.
When you feel alone...pray.
You don't need to recite words from the Bible or say 10 Hail Marys...just speak from your heart and have faith that you being heard.
Now I don't go to church and I don't read the Bible but I know that there is a power higher than myself and I believe that there is a path that we have for our lives here on Earth. I don't believe it is an easy path but it is one that we chose to experience and there is a tremendous amount for us to learn on our journeys. But we are never alone. We may have times when we lose everything but we still have each other and we are still in the company of angels and guides and positive, encouraging, supportive energy that is always there but that we have to choose to allow into our lives.
Every day I pray that my family (here and elsewhere, human and animal) is protected from negative energy and danger. I believe that, no matter what, we will be okay. I invite positive energy into my life and I work hard to make sure that my part is done.
Sure I have great moments of anxiety and fear, frustration and pain...but I always come back to the realization that I have the power to create great opportunities for myself and family. I have the ability to make sure that my home is a safe resting place and that if my children need to talk about something...even embarrassing, growing up things...that they can come to me because they will not feel like they should be embarrassed. I have the ability be an example by exercising the laws of attraction and the power of positive thinking and prayer. I have the ability to teach lessons that what we think that we want, what we think we need, may not be what we truly need in our lives to be happy. Even the most miserable experiences are opportunities to learn new strategies, skills, and lessons for our life. We cannot learn if we don't make mistakes. By working through the mistakes, there is opportunity for tremendous growth.
Everyone is feeling the the floor cracking right now...even if you still have your job and home. But, in times when we feel the most insecure, there is strangely a sense of security...it is just deeper. By asking those hard "what if" questions, we find that our foundation in each other is solid. That if we lose everything, we still have a safe place to go and love to share. We see what is truly important and realize we have our limits and can only do what we can do.
In times like these, it seems like people reconnect or turn to their faith. I encourage everyone to do the same. By welcoming positive thoughts into your life you really have nothing to lose but the negativity. Who knows what challenging, scary, and rewarding opportunity may present itself if you are open to the possibilities.
