Fresno Funk Fog and other stuff

I am feeling a little smidgen of the Fresno Funk settling in on me. Fresno is right behind LA in poor air quality, which I think puts us in the top 5 for the nation. My throat hurts today, Matt has been an allergy mess, and Courtney keeps making those irritating snot sucking noises up her nose...which she does anyway but now it is just more frequent, but that is a whole other issue. Jared seems to be able to handle the allergies like I do but that doesn't mean the air quality isn't a/effecting him.

My job is great as far as jobs go, I can't complain about my paycheck at all, and Matt seems to have a good amount of job security. We have a beautifully humble home, are able to pay our mortgage no matter how tight we are, are all in good health for the most part, and have food on our table every night. We love each other and are loved by others. I am grateful for all of these things and many more. I don't NEED anything more to survive and be happy but I feel like, although things are going along well, there may be a way to have more happiness. I don't mean a bigger house or more material things. I am talking about doing things, being surrounded by things/people, being in an environment that facilitates joy. Joy is partially a choice we make to embrace it, find it, and not hold onto things that inhibits it.

The grass is not always greener and that is what leads to the whizzing in my head. We have wonderful things going for us right now, as listed above. Is it wrong to look for other jobs when we are in a market where we should be happy just to have jobs? Is Fresno so horrible that it is okay for us to wonder what it would be like elsewhere?

I love my house. It is a good house, a little funky but built well considering. We have worked hard to transform this house into a great house...and pretty much succeeded. But here's the thing...my old house felt more like a home to me than this house. Not that this house ever did anything (yes I know it can't technically DO anything) but it doesn't have any energy to it. I've always felt that way about this house. Maybe I am just not being open to it. Maybe because I don't feel like Fresno is my home...and won't ever feel quite like home. Maybe I am caught in "the grass is always greener" trap.

I think I know what it is...and I have some responsibility in it. I married into a family. I wouldn't undo that but I just wonder if things could be different in the future. I have no family here, at all. I married into my husband's family and I still feel like an outsider. I am not putting fault on his family at all. Sure, there have been things that have happened (and still happen) where I don't feel like I am respected as a memeber of the family or a mother to the children but I can understand some of it because 4 years is really just a drop in the bucket when it comes down to it. Others have way more history than I do...and blood relation helps too.
Maybe it is a balance thing. I literally feel like, if you were to have a scale like the one in the hands of the Lady of Justice (can't remember what that is called), it would be weighed down completely on one side.

Mother's day-the kids were looking at old pictures at Matt's mom's house. I remember loving to go through my mom's pictures and still razz her about my sister having more that me...haha. I won't take that joy away from the kids and Matt and everyone else. But, it was a little difficult for me. Obviously, I am not in any of those pictures, I don't have any memories of the kids as babies, I don't have any pictures to share with them. Jared wasn't showing me any of the pictures that he was looking at and I realized it was because his mom was in them. I told him that I know she exists and he doesn't need to feel like he can't show them to me. So, he started shoving pictures in my face with his hand covering his mom or saying, "here's one without mom"...somehow that made me feel worse but I haven't figured out why yet...possibly because it drew my attention to her not anyone else in the picture. He doesn't mean to hurt my feelings and he was obviously trying to not make me feel bad by not showing them to me in the first place.

When Brittany left Matt's mom's before us, she hugged me and said she loved me. I told Matt about it yesterday. I said that I don't know if she meant it, but it was nice to hear. So, I'll take it.

I guess I just want to know that I am in a place where people are happy I am there, that I am a part of their life. Not that I have to be #1 or that anyone should be thinking of me constantly. Just more than someone who brought the kids over, someone that cooks dinner, picks people up, baked the cake, did the shopping, etc. It would be nice if someone ran outside to see me when I got home just because they were glad to see me, not because they wanted to go play with a friend. To be greeted at the door just because, instead of ignoring me in their room, sitting on the couch in front of the tv, or trying to run past me to play outside. The dogs and cats greet me...every day...just because they like to be around me...at least that's what it feels like.

I realize that I am probably being pretty sensitive. Most people with kids the ages of mine feel similarly, I bet.

Part of me wonders if it would be better outside of Fresno. Matt has no problem with moving to Sac or somewhere else. I think it is partly because of the air quality and partly because there are no opportunities for him here other than his current job (which he doesn't really like) and probably other things too...I can't presume I really know why. I don't want to be ungrateful for everything that we have...because I truly appreciate it all. We are incredibly blessed and I try to remember that each day and teach my kids to understand that.

But, I wonder, are there better opportunities for joy elsewhere?

Sugar/Gum Paste

I tried my hand and gum paste flowers. It is much tougher than it looks but I like a good challenge when the results are beautiful! There is a lot of planning that goes into it because it takes a couple days to finish one flower, beginning to end.

Day one - make stamens and let dry overnight
Day two - make flowers and let dry (I left them over night but a few hours would be okay)
Day two/three - dust with color and set with steam


I'm sure I will get faster as I practice. These are much more difficult that icing, fondant, or baking. The paste dries really quickly so you have to move really fast.

I found this awesome website where I can order my color powders each for $1-$2 less than the store in Fresno (that is a big difference when they are each $3.50-$4.50+ for 2 grams) and the silicone molds are cheaper and they have a larger selection (those things are expensive...like $35 for a two sided petal mold). When we have a little extra money, I am going to give them a try.

Anyhow, here are the results of my gum paste attempt.


Here they are all dry and waiting for color.



This was first attempt at color dusting...not so good.



Attempt number 2...way better!