Darn

So I heard back from the final two job applications I had submitted. It is a "no" from both. But, this time, it took a month and a half for me to get the answer...that is much better than last time. I am disappointed but not too upset. Maybe it isn't the right time. We are finally starting to enjoy our house and are planning on starting our master bathroom remodel this summer followed by an upgrade in the hall bathroom. Matt and I both have good jobs and are almost done paying off all our credit card debt (we set a goal to have it all paid by the last day of this year and we are more than half way through already). We are eligible to have our home loan restructured to lower the payment (let's just hope they decide to drop the PMI too...fingers crossed) so our home will be more affordable. I am hard at work reforming my unhealthy self and if I had to transition to full-time work, moving, and helping the kids through the transition, I know that it would be hard for me to be able to make my health a priority. Like I said, it's okay. The time will come and maybe this isn't it. Once Matt is out of school for summer, we will make more trips to visit my side of the family.

On a more positive note, I am doing really well with my birthday present to myself. I figured that, since I will be turning 30 this year, I should get my ass in shape so I can enjoy the years ahead. I am counting my calories, making healthy food choices, and being active. Instead of sitting on the uncomfortable metal bleachers during Jared's baseball game yesterday, I walked around the field and was still able to watch the game. I also walked to the school for the game and I walked home while Matt drove with the kids (about 2+ miles total). This afternoon Matt told me how happy he was to see my energy levels increasing. This past Sunday, we took the kids over to the school and hit baseballs...I am still sore but it was so much fun and I surprised both of us by how well I hit the balls. It is such a relief to see that my body can still respond so well after all the neglect...almost like it was just waiting for me to get my head straight and start using it again.

So, that's that for now. :)

An Easter Reflection

I thought I would use my last half hour of work to write some thoughts I have having. (Since it is Spring Break it is really dead here).

So, this morning, while talking with a coworker, I realized why I am not super excited every time a holiday comes around. Because I feel like an outsider here in Fresno. My husband's family has always been nice to me and the kids enjoy the times when we get together but I still feel very lonely. No one really knows me here except my husband. So, I go to family gatherings and chat and smile and eat and watch the kids play. But, sometimes I would rather stay at home with my dogs and cats. Why? Because they are closer to being my family than my in-laws are my family. I am 100% comfortable with my animals and I have been with them longer than anyone here in Fresno.

Again, this is not a reflection of my in-laws. In general, they are loving, welcoming, genuinely great people.

This is more about me being away from my family for almost 7 years. It is about me having a little family of my own (no matter how mixed we are) and not having my little family around my big family to enjoy one another. I give to my husband and kids and they give back to me. But when it comes down to it, they are the only one's here that know when I turn thirty or something important is happening in my life. There are talks of things happening in the lives of the people in my Fresno family but I am never the subject of that talk. I was stopping by my mother-in-law's house awhile ago to feed her animals while she was on vacation. She had a calendar posted on her kitchen wall and I noticed a bunch of birthdays written on the days. I flipped though the pages (because I was kind of amazed at how organized she was) and I noticed that everyone that I could think of in the family was on there except me. This was after Matt and I had been married. Now, I am not saying that my mother-in-law was intentionally trying to snub me but that the calendar is a perfect analogy of how I feel. It is kind of like being on the outside of a circle. BUT, I do need to mention that Matt's grandmother sent me a card for my birthday last year. :) The only thing I think my Fresno family knows about me is what I do for the kids. I think they respect me for that but maybe I just don't know how to fall into the puzzle and fit like everyone else.

The other part is that, I feel like our family time (meaning my birth family in Sac) is slowly going away. Not that I was the hinge that held everything together...that isn't the case. More that my aunt and uncle are exploring new things on their boat and my sister and brother-in-law enjoy doing their things and it seems like my mom and dad and grandma are doing things together. I remember how it used to be when we were younger. It is natural for all of us to grow up and want independence and do our own thing. Maybe it is because I have Courtney and Jared now and I see how much fun my parents have with them and how much they enjoy my parents and I want back what used to be there when I was younger. I want the kids to experience what I did when I was their age. Be able to go to grandma's and play with clay or go fishing and nature walking with my parents. I want to be able to jump in the car and go hang out with my family for the day without planning a massive trip. Or tell the kids that grandma and grandpa are stopping by for dinner.

I don't know if these realizations will help me or make it more challenging. I don't know if there will be any employment opportunities for myself or Matt that would make it possible for us to leave. If there were, would we be too scared to try or would we take a leap of faith and create a wonderful life for our family outside of Fresno. Lots of questions, lots of unknowns. Either way, my happiness is with my family and maybe that is why I feel so fractured sometimes...because my family is split in two. I have hope for the future in whatever direction we head.

Happy Easter to everyone near and far.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

We will be having corned beef and cabbage tonight...although that is not a dish they usually eat in Ireland on St. Patty's Day. But I love it and I will make everyone else love it too!!!! HAHAHAHA!

Watch Out Drivers...

Krazy Keri is on the road!

I passed my motorcycle basic skills class this last weekend. Not only am I awesome but one of the guys (men) in the class said he would rather be behind me than some of the guys. HAHA. That is a huge compliment since the man is a pretty old fashioned gender-role type of guy...but he was nice. :)

It was tons of fun but pretty exhausting having to drive so far. It really made for a long weekend. When I got home from the last day, Matt and I rode over to the elementary school so I could show him how well I did. He rode my Burgman 400 motorcycle (with automatic transmission) and I rode his V-star 1300. Holy Cow!! His bike has POWER!!! When I kicked it into 3rd gear, I had tears streaming from the corners of my eyes to my ears (3/4 helmet). That thing is like riding a bull with the speed of a cheetah! Needless to say, his bike is a little too much for me but it sure was fun for the 3 miles that we rode. I road my bike to work this morning and loved it!! It can't quite kick it in the ass like matt's but it certainly can hold it's own.

Yesterday was Courtney's birthday and I am SO GLAD IT IS OVER! Matt did the dishes for me (thank God) and Courtney will be putting away dishes this afternoon. Her cake took me a long time but it is probably the best I have done so far (pictures will be posted later) and the girls were LOUD and SQUEALY!! How old are they when we can stop doing "birthday parties"? I was completely BEAT! I told Matt that I would rather have worked a full-time job yesterday than put the party together. I made each girl 2 barrets with satin ribbons and a flower with a rhinestone center. I will have to take a picture of the one I made Courtney.

We got Courtney a basket for her bike so she rode to school today for the first time. Really, the only person that didn't ride their bike today was Matt. haha.

Anyway, I am back at work and brain dead to say the least. Jared has practice tonight, Matt has class, and I have to get some yard clippings in the green waste for pick up in the morning. Plus dinner...kids reading...cleaning up...showers...homework...sleep...not in that order.

I just want some rest.

Motorcycle Training

"I got the last spot for this weekend in Atwater. I'm scared. Eeek!"

This was the message I sent my husband a few minutes ago. My permit expires on 3/24/09 and I need to take the Basic Motorcycle Skills class so I can get my license. Luckily, they had one more spot open for the classes in Atwater this weekend. Fresno is still ho-bunk enough that they don't have the classes IN Fresno. Stupid.

I was looking at the classes in Sacramento but I am teaching right now and it is hard for me to get out of here during the week (the classes are on Thurs/Sat/Sun or Fri/Sat/Sun). Plus, I would have to go by myself since Matt has class on Saturdays.

So, Atwater it is! I still have to drive about 2.5 hours round trip on Saturday and Sunday but Friday is the classroom portion and it is in Fresno. I get to spend at least part of the weekend with my husband and then have to get everything ready for Courtney's birthday party on Monday (at least I have that day off from work). Silly me, I thought I was going to get some sleep over the weekend. That doesn't look like it will be happening.

Matt said he doesn't want me driving to Atwater alone at night (in case the classroom portion was not in Fresno). That's when you know your husband loves you. I don't know how I survived after sundown before I met him. HAHA!

Wish me luck! Hope I don't poop my pants. :)

Change to Health

Due to years of digestive problems, fatigue, weight gain, and depressive episodes, I am changing my diet completely. Now, I don't mean "diet" like, "I'm on a 'diet' to lose 50 pounds", I mean "diet" as in what I eat as a living creature. Of course, I am expecting weight loss to be a welcomed side effect of my dietary changes but that is only one of many things I look forward to happening.

I would like to thank those that have help my decision to make a change.

First, my mother.
She has always been an advocate for my health and has tirelessly researched to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Now, I know moms do this kind of stuff and, if your mom is a nurse, they probably are better and more motivated than those that are not. But, if you combine the mom thing, the nurse thing, and then multiply that by the strength of a nuclear warhead...then you have my mom. I can't imagine what I would feel or look like now if I didn't have the upbringing in health that I did and if my mom didn't continue to send me information or force me to go to the doctor to keep me aware of my need to pursue the answers to my health. Thanks mom, I love you! I love you too dad! (he is the silent, supportive partner of the "Keri's Health Quest")

Second, my aunt Nina.
Through her own struggles with her health and nutrition, I have seen myself and the similar path I was traveling (before the changes she made). I have been aware of my aunt's nutritional choices for years and have always understood them and the healthy reasoning for them but, I didn't know all the reason WHY she (and my uncle, Clark) made those choices. Thanks to my mom for sending me the link to Nina and Clark's website and thanks to my aunt for openly sharing, I now understand why it was necessary for them to change their diet. Nina and Clark have ALWAYS been two of the healthiest people I have ever know (maybe THE healthiest) so, to see their struggle and now success is a great inspiration to me. Below is the link to their page. Even if your body isn't as sensitive as Nina's (or mine), I'm sure most everyone can say, "Oh, that happens to me too!! Maybe it is the food I am eating." Anyway, check it out...or don't, it's your choice.
http://www.svrikki.net/RTT/LowCarb/Low-Carb/Welcome.html

Lastly, Michael Thurman.
Yes, I am talking about the trainer from Extreme Makeover (body edition...haha). Years ago, I ordered the 6-Week Body Makeover. The eating plan is VERY low carb, only allowing carbs (in the form of rice or potatoes...as far as I remember) at lunch and dinner in small amounts. Along with eating 5 times a day, it increases the amounts of protein, veggies, and water. Not only did I lose 20 pounds in a month but I felt FANTASTIC. Please don't ask why I fell off the wagon. poop! Anyway, I am thanking him because, through that experience, I know how I feel when my carbohydrate consumption is low and I want to feel like that again.

So, if you hadn't caught on, I am changing to a carbohydrate restricted diet. In case anyone is reading this that doesn't know what a carbohydrate is (which is probably no one since I don't think many people even know about this page), in a nutshell, carbs are in tons of things. It is not just bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. Carbs are SUGARS. That includes sugar (of course), honey, molasses, all those sweet things, your breads and starches, and a lot of fruits have high amounts of natural carbs/sugars. I am far from an expert in nutrition but I do educate myself and am probably more knowledgeable that a large percentage of the general population. For example, did you know that there is sugar (or high fructose corn syrup) in canned or jarred pasta sauce? Maybe that is why most of them give me heart burn...argh! Anyway, sugar makes your body react in a rollercoaster like fashion. If yo-yo diets stress your body, don't you think that it would be unhealthy for the reactions in your body to behave in this way MULIPLE TIMES A DAY?! Yikes! Anyway, I am not going to go on and on. If you want to learn more, check out my aunt's website and/or do some research, ask questions. People living the low-carb lifestyle are not trying to take over the government or the world. Like my aunt, they are just people that are living a healthy way, getting some fantastic results in blood pressure, cholesterol, weight management, energy, emotional wellbeing, etc, and maybe wanting to share their experience and information so other people can experience being healthy too.

Sure, sometimes I want I piece of my homemade banana bread but, when I did eat a little bit, my body said, "What the heck is that stuff? Get it outta here!" I didn't like being out of synch with my body so I leave the banana tastiness for others to enjoy if they choose. And, honestly I like having healthy BMs. Sorry if that is a little icky for you but, really, don't you like having healthy BMs too? If you like the icky ones, that is really icky. Please, if you know me, you know I am not embarrassed to talk about body functions. I am the daughter of a nurse and see no reason to try to pretend that we don't all poop, fart, burp, barf, snot, etc. If it wasn't natural to do, we wouldn't have the parts to do it. While I won't go into detail, I will say that everything functions at a much more comfortable level than before.

Finally, to all you veggers and vegans out there (who probably don't read this blog), I don't hate you, I want to BE you! Unfortunately, being a vegger made me unhealthy, fat, slow, and out of wack. This is very challenging for me because I would love nothing more than to know that nothing I consumed came from an animal. Maybe, over time, our bodies will evolve into more of an herbivorous type machine. But, for now, I am in a body that doesn't tolerate all nonmeat products as well as other bodies do. If I come back in another life after our bodies have evolved, I would not have such an emotional battle going on inside me. But, this is for another blog on another day. For now, I need to find my healthy self because the unhealthy one isn't working.

Happy health to everyone!

Power of Prayer

When you feel that you have done all you can...pray.
When you feel that the cards are stacked against you...pray.
When you feel exhausted, defeated, and lost...pray.
When you feel alone...pray.

You don't need to recite words from the Bible or say 10 Hail Marys...just speak from your heart and have faith that you being heard.

Now I don't go to church and I don't read the Bible but I know that there is a power higher than myself and I believe that there is a path that we have for our lives here on Earth. I don't believe it is an easy path but it is one that we chose to experience and there is a tremendous amount for us to learn on our journeys. But we are never alone. We may have times when we lose everything but we still have each other and we are still in the company of angels and guides and positive, encouraging, supportive energy that is always there but that we have to choose to allow into our lives.

Every day I pray that my family (here and elsewhere, human and animal) is protected from negative energy and danger. I believe that, no matter what, we will be okay. I invite positive energy into my life and I work hard to make sure that my part is done.

Sure I have great moments of anxiety and fear, frustration and pain...but I always come back to the realization that I have the power to create great opportunities for myself and family. I have the ability to make sure that my home is a safe resting place and that if my children need to talk about something...even embarrassing, growing up things...that they can come to me because they will not feel like they should be embarrassed. I have the ability be an example by exercising the laws of attraction and the power of positive thinking and prayer. I have the ability to teach lessons that what we think that we want, what we think we need, may not be what we truly need in our lives to be happy. Even the most miserable experiences are opportunities to learn new strategies, skills, and lessons for our life. We cannot learn if we don't make mistakes. By working through the mistakes, there is opportunity for tremendous growth.

Everyone is feeling the the floor cracking right now...even if you still have your job and home. But, in times when we feel the most insecure, there is strangely a sense of security...it is just deeper. By asking those hard "what if" questions, we find that our foundation in each other is solid. That if we lose everything, we still have a safe place to go and love to share. We see what is truly important and realize we have our limits and can only do what we can do.

In times like these, it seems like people reconnect or turn to their faith. I encourage everyone to do the same. By welcoming positive thoughts into your life you really have nothing to lose but the negativity. Who knows what challenging, scary, and rewarding opportunity may present itself if you are open to the possibilities.